Teasers, photos, metas, gifsets, spoilers and wild speculative theories for season 9 of CW’s Supernatural are left, right, center, above and below you. You can’t look at fireworks or airplanes in the night sky or shooting stars without sobbing in pain and cursing the name of Metatron; if you had a wish right now, you’d use it to sing the chorus of a Lily Allen song in his face (you know which one I mean). Going nuts from waiting for the next season of a show is one slippery slope – just look at BBC Sherlock. To keep yourself from going crazy until the next season premieres in October (so close, oh so close, yet not quite there), we recommend doing the things on this handy list. Just… to keep it together, just a little bit. Or not.
1. Indulge in speculation.
As usual, there are countless fan theories about what season 9 might bring us. Will Cas and Dean solve their issues with a few rounds of heavenly tonsil hockey? Will Lucifer and Sam open up a charming bed and breakfast in Vermont, marry and have a small army of nephilim babies? Will they finally bring back Gabriel already? Are they going to have Crowley tap-dance on the corpse of Abaddon? Will the MoL HQ be turned into a happening, fun bar a la P3? Part of the fun is the endless theories that arise, crack or not, and you totally don’t want to miss those, or the people who are very, very earnest about them.
2. Cosplay your favorite character.
Look, it’s really not that hard to cosplay characters from Supernatural. Take Castiel, for example – just grab a trench coat and some wings from a slutty angel girl costume, and go stand in a den of iniquity. Is Dean what floats your boat? All you need is a leather jacket, jeans, Led Zeppelin tee and the greatest hits of mullet rock on cassette tapes. As for Sammy, well… you’ll need a glorious mane of hair, a flannel shirt, and some moose antlers. Viva la Moosifer! If you’re still having difficulty with this, check out our Supernatural fall fashion guide, which is like, one step up from straight-up cosplay. You probably won’t regret it.
3. Seasons 1-8 marathon.
This one should be a no-brainer. What better way is there to back up all your favorite pet theories that you no doubt discovered (or created) during step 1 of this list than to find the evidence you need? Like they always say, if you need something done, do it yourself and that applies to finding evidence for why Dean and Gabriel are totally eternal heavenly soulmates, as well. (Just for the record I kind of ship it. I like Destiel better though.) Even if you don’t have any pet theories, you need to get ready for the new season, and what better way to prepare your body for all the pain and suffering that the Supernatural team will inflict upon you in season 9 than to marathon watch seasons 1-8? Just grab a box of tissues and prepare to never leave your house again this month. Also, here, have a list of things we learned from watching eight seasons of Supernatural in a row.
4. Line every single point of entry into your house with salt. Refuse to leave the salt ring.
Now that you’ve experienced all the horrors that lurk in the darkness firsthand – werewolves, vampirates, wendigos, angels, demons, Paris Hilton – during your Supernatural binge, absolutely nothing short of the best pie on planet earth and your very own private W.A.S.P concert should make you want to leave the safety of your hunter lair. Why not make sure you are secure, and salt the windows, salt the
5. Memorize the Latin exorcism ritual.
This point goes hand in hand with number 4. After all, if a demon does get through a salt line of yours (more like ten), you’ll need to protect yourself. There is, of course, no guarantee that you won’t get force-choked and turned into hunter pancake with whipped bloodcream before you even get the first line out, but hey, a failed exorcism ritual is better than nothing! Wait …That’s not very reassuring, is it? Oh well. WE TRIED.
6. Learn to shoot everything.
You’ll need to protect yourself from things that aren’t demons, too, you know – there’s plenty of stuff and things that won’t be deterred by a simple salt line and a bit of Latin, and will rip your throat out given the chance. You know, stuff like krakens, mermaids, suspiciously happy neighbors that give everyone wreaths at Christmastime, those things don’t give a damn about how nice and neat your salt lines are (or if you’re stuck going to your safety school). You’ll need to arm yourself with something; anything will do really. A gun, a crossbow, a phaser, perhaps even a Nerf gun. The latter will be particularly useful in dispensing with the particular brand of monster that attempts to get you to leave the safety of your salt ring so you may “enjoy” the “outdoors” and the “nice weather.”
7. Imagine what Supernatural’s characters would have been like if there was no magic in the world; weep profusely.
Eventually, we all wonder what it would be like if only the characters of Supernatural had never had to deal with things like dead parents, demon blood and apocalypses. There’d be no demons, no angels, no ancient gods and no pain. These thoughts crop up often enough amongst the fandom that if you were to browse FF.N, AO3, Tumblr or LiveJournal, you’d find yourself every single flavor of SPN alternate universe you could ever imagine. There’s university AUs, coffee shop AUs, cop drama AUs, bed and breakfast in Vermont AUs, Regency romance drama AUs… if you can think of it, it probably exists. If you haven’t thought of it, it probably exists anyway. The best way to soothe the pain in your heart caused by a TV show is to throw yourself into a magic(less) AU where everything is perfect and nothing hurts – trust me, I speak from experience on that one.
8. Cross-country road trip.
Buckle those seatbelts and blast the Best of Journey with your volume set to 11, you’re going on a wild ride! If you’re tired of sulking in your salt circle, why not get out and see the world a bit… you know, hunt some things, save some people, the family business? You’ll get to see all the best sights, meet new people, maybe even encounter a haunted object or two that need to be exorcised. By the time you get back home, season 9 will be all set to start and you’ll have gained useful knowledge, life skills and experience as a hunter. Maybe do this next summer, actually, you might not have time now. (Imagine putting on your resume, Summer of 2014, Freelance Esoteric Exterminator.) If you need a bit of help packing, here’s a post we did last spring on packing for an adventure. You’ll find it quite helpful.
9. Curl up on the floor and sob bitterly because almost everyone you ever loved is dead.
This one’s self explanatory, isn’t it? Don’t you just wish you couldn’t feel a thing, not a damn thing? Now if you’ll excuse me, the spot on my floor that’s reserved for deep, traumatic emotional turmoil and suffering is in need of my presence.
Are you ready and looking forward to Season 9? What other things are you planning to do before the season premiere? What are your hopes for the season? How badly do you want canon Destiel?
I was going to find a real image for this but then I found this and it was more than adequate.