As February 14 came closer, we here at 3 Chic Geeks sat down and thought really hard: what in the name of Lucifer’s sparkly pink wings are we going to get for our Valentines? Well, it just so happens that I am burdened with a great and glorious purpose… and am also a supervillain. Pleased to meet you, hope you’ve guessed my name. This gift guide will break down everything your evil genius significant other could possibly desire for Valentine’s Day (other than possibly a weapon that would eradicate all future Valentine’s Days from existence because that is totally what an evil genius would want the most). So sit back, relax, and find some henchmen to follow this list to the word for you – although you’ll want to read it beforehand.
1. Ultimate Weapon of Mass Destruction
There is absolutely nothing sexier than owning a weapon that can defeat any challengers to your power. If your mustache-twirling worse half is of the wizardly inclination, we recommend getting them a replica Elder Wand. One of the legendary Deathly Hallows, it is rumored to have been crafted by Death himself. There are whispers of its core being made of the hair of a thestral; there are tales of the wand’s inherent thirst for bloodshed. It is a weapon that has been in the hands of many an evil person… and your significant other could be the next! If your significant other is not a wizardly type, it is easy enough to find replica weapons of most popular supervillains by just googling around. Elder Wand by Noble Collection, $39.95, WBShop.com
2. Accessories that double as deadly weapons
Take it from a certified baddie – there is absolutely nothing better than wearing things that you know will cause injury, pain and certain death should you wish for them to. Like, I want to be able to slay those bumbling henchmen with the flick of a wrist should I choose to, you know? Therefore, I recommend armour rings. They are heavy, pointy, dangerous, extravagant, expensive and possibly deadly – all the things villains love, rolled into one convenient accessory. I’m not saying it’s an absolute must, but it’ll certainly put your significant other off of plotting his heroic counterpart’s dramatic exit from this realm of existence for a few hours. You might end up a henchman or two short, but don’t worry – they’re kind of replaceable. Phoenix Gothic Finger Armour, $34, Dragonweave Jewelry
3. An evil vehicle of evil
So you’ve got big bucks to spend, and want to use them for a grand gesture? Convincing your beloved villain to not kill his mother-in-law for nagging him about his hair is much easier if they have something that makes them happy. Seeing as I am Loki, I thought the most obvious choice would be a horse… or a Shetland pony, as the case may occasionally be. (Note: 3 Chic Geeks is not responsible for any eight-legged equines that may be brought forth into this world as a result of you following our advice. Sorry not sorry.) For horse shopping, we recommend this site. For other things… we have no idea. You’re speaking with a villain, not a lowly peon in the research department.
4. Things that make them happy
Every supervillain has one simple weak point – they all have that ONE thing that makes them happy. Chances are, you know it already – Nutella, explosives, pudding, horses, artifacts of limitless power… you know the drill. Just get them a large supply of their favorite things, and put a large bow on it. Valentine’s Day = made.
5. A lovely Valentine’s Day card
If you don’t want to be too extravagant (perhaps your supervillain relationship is just starting, and you want to keep it low-key or something), then a sweet and lovely card will ALWAYS do the trick. You really can’t go wrong with Harley and Joker if you’re looking to say, “I really appreciate the fact that you haven’t killed me yet, and I would love the chance to be your evil villainous consort. Be my Valentine?”. You really can’t. Harley Quinn & Joker Crazy for You card by sweetgeek, $3.50, Etsy.com
6. The crown that they deserve
“Suddenly, I’m Mr. Sex… and honey, you should see me in a crown.” If your mustache-twirling significant other dreams of the day that they can take their rightful place upon a throne as the Overlord of the Known Universe, then perhaps a crown would be apropos. You have options, of course – either order an extremely high-quality replica, or something reasonably priced. Either way, keep in mind that you are aiming for perfection; this needs to be something your favorite villain can wear as they watch the world burn (because they’ve set it on fire).