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More Fictional Boys We Want to Date (Who Would Make Even Worse Boyfriends)

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fictional boys

Back by popular demand and now featuring even worse potential fictional boyfriends. Many of the men listed were specifically requested by you, the readers. The others are here because we do what we want feel they are definitely worth a mention. Think twice before making one of these fictional hotties your beau this Valentine’s season.

1.      Captain Malcolm Reynolds

He’s ruggedly handsome, adventurous and has that carefree rebel attitude we all know and love. It’s easy to see why Captain Mal has captured the hearts of many a fan. He may be a criminal, but he’s a criminal with a heart of gold who is ready to sweep you away on a galactic journey. Played by the ever-charming Nathan Fillion, Captain Tight-pants is definitely hard to resist.

So what’s the problem?

Let us revisit the fact that he is technically a criminal. Though Mal may have a strong-ish moral code, your entire time dating would be spent fleeing Alliance authority and generally avoiding all the major planets. And even if you’re okay with spending your life hopping from one backwater planet to another, there’s the fact that Mal is a bit… rough around the edges. As in he may insult you until he’s ready to confront his own feelings. Which may be never. You’ll probably have to both be under threat of death first, so if you can swing that on the first date you might be able to pursue a stable relationship with him. Maybe.

2.      Jim Moriarty

He’s successful, he’s dangerous, and he’s one of the few people who can rival the mind of Sherlock Holmes himself. He has fun taste in music and a whole lot of whimsy. From a distance, Jim Moriarty appears to be a charismatic potential date.

So what’s the problem?

Other than the fact that he’s a psychotic criminal obsessed with destroying one man and likely to snap at any given moment? Really, the reasons why Jim would be a horrible boyfriend are a bit obvious. He’d use you for whatever crazy plan he has going on at the time (assuming he pays attention to you at all) and if you ever did anything to displease him you’d probably end up as a pair of shoes. This is all assuming, of course, that Jim Moriarty would take a significant other at all, particularly one who may not have useful information for him. We feel that’s unlikely.

3.      Castiel

Eyes as blue as the unfathomable ocean of longing, the voice of Batman and a film-noir silhouette as he walks away from an urban battlefield, sword in hand… This angel of the Lord is a total babe. His sense of humor is quirky even for a millennia-old celestial being… and have I mentioned he’s an angel of the Lord?

So what’s the problem?

Can we talk about the fact that, canonically, everyone acknowledges that Castiel is in love with Dean Winchester? He is. He totally is. Freak Geek is pretty much convinced that Castiel was brought onto the show as a character in order to diffuse the gay tension between Dean and Sam, and nothing will convince her otherwise. I mean, let’s face it… Castiel is going to be a great boyfriend… if your name is Dean Winchester. Otherwise, good luck trying to bag this bad boy – he’s more likely to tell you not to blame yourself for your dad’s philandering, as your dad was just tired of his job at the post office. Also, if by some miracle you land Castiel as a boyfriend, keep in mind that angels are junkless. Junkless = no sex (unless you’re Dean Winchester).

You can’t compete with this Destiel love and you know it.

4.      The Master

I mean, sure, he’s… um. Well.

So what’s the problem?

There’s really nothing we can say here. He’s a walking problem. He’s obsessed with destruction, has been driven insane by the time vortex, hears drums pounding in his head 24/7, and considers his companions tools rather than friends. That’s really terrible boyfriend material, and his eHarmony profile would be awfully short and strange.

5.      The Doctor

Aha, just when you thought he was safe! The Doctor, in all forms, is enigmatic, magnetic, exciting, surprisingly sensitive and sad, a little dangerous, and can offer you all of time and space via the TARDIS. He cares deeply for the human race as a whole and spends his life defending the rights of those who call Earth home. He even speaks baby and was a Father himself, basically the best long term boyfriend turned husband material ever, right?

So what’s the problem?

There are many different points to this problem, the first being he’s a Time Lord and we don’t even know if crossbreeding is possible. His anatomy is human enough to pass on the surface as human, but his internal organs are obviously different and we really have no idea about what’s going on down there. In the immortal words of Jackie Tyler, “Two hearts? Is there anything else he has two of?” … Family show, sure.

Then there’s the problem of him not aging like humans: you would shrivel and die and he’d stay exactly as he was when you first met which is compounded by the slightly creepy Twilight-esque issue of a 20-something dating a 900 year old. Of course, there is also the Doctor’s essential nature. He’s spent the majority of his life running from himself and the things he did to his own people, he can be cruel and unforgiving, and he can be completely unaware of how cruel he is. Plus we’ve all seen what happens when you try to stick Eleven in a life of unbridled domesticity for more than a day, he goes crazy and hogs the Wii. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

6.      Spike

Tall and blonde and snarky; a failed poet turned into a passionate and violent vampire. A Victorian gentleman turned dark and dirty, evil and punk and beautiful… I mean, what’s not to love?

So what’s the problem?

Okay, hmm, let’s start with the part where, oh, he got the name Spike by, you know, torturing people to death using railroad spikes? Ugh, so not sexy. He was sired by the batshit-crazy Drusilla – do you REALLY want to deal with that level of crazy ex? Let me tell you, that is a deal-breaker right there. Sure, his coat is pretty badass, but he got it through murder – still think it’s sexy? Oh, and to top it all off, you will be forced to listen to him recite his poetry… which, by the way, is canonically “bloody awful”. No thank you.

7.      Angel

Dark, handsome, and dangerously brooding, Angel has a damn good reason to be emo. He also doesn’t sparkle, which is always a plus. He has a tortured soul, and that’s one hell of an attractive thing in a guy. Also, what is it with these vampires and their nice leather jackets? I cannot.

So what’s the problem?

Let’s start with this excerpt from the Buffy Wikia:

“Angelus and was dubbed The Scourge of Europe, earning notoriety for being one of the most sadistic and brutal demons in history, and the most evil vampire ever recorded. Both The Master and the First Evil recognized how purely evil Angelus was. He was also known as The Demon with the Face of an Angel or The One with the Angelic Face because of his physical beauty” (Angel – Buffy Wikia).

Following Angel’s reign of terror, he was cursed by a clan of gypsies to have his soul returned to him, so he would suffer the guilt of his misdeeds for all eternity. There’s a catch, too – should he ever experience one moment of true joy, he will revert to the killing machine that he had been once upon a time. And, if you’re wondering: yes, “moment of true joy” does refer to orgasms. There’s also a rather memorable episode where Angel gets hopped up on antidepression drugs, which by the way was absolutely hilarious.

However, the message should be clear enough – if you date this guy, you cannot make him happy. If you do, you and everyone you love will DIE because he will turn into a murdering machine and go on a happy joyful primal-evil murder spree. So, the moral of this story is, don’t have sex, because you will make him happy and die.

8.      The Phantom (Erik)

The dark, mysterious man living beneath the opera house. He’s a musical genius who will sing to you until you swoon in his arms. He’ll make grand romantic gestures and will probably write you an opera. Plus the visible side of his face is pretty sexy.

So what’s the problem?

If you desire any amount of freedom whatsoever, The Phantom is not the man for you. He’ll kidnap you on a regular basis, attempt to control you and completely isolate you from everyone you know. Not to mention he’s way older than you and has killed a few people just because they accidentally got in his way. Like, seriously, even if you feel pity towards him for the horrible way he has been treated his entire life, there’s still the fact that he’s a psychopathic killer. Please don’t date a psychopathic killer.

9.      Fitzwilliam Darcy

Darcy is charming, wealthy, and intelligent. He has good intentions and somewhere beneath that cool, collected exterior is a honorable man. Plus, if he existed in 2013 he’d probably be an intellectual hipster.

So what’s the problem?

Fitzwilliam Darcy is a prick. There’s really no two ways about it. He’s haughty and stuck up and will judge you before ever getting to know you. When he does get to know you, he’ll judge you some more, especially if you aren’t half as stinking rich as him. If you ever want to get to actually dating him, you’ll have to suffer through months of rude comments and generally being ignored. Oh, and the first time he admits to having feelings for you he’ll probably proceed to insult you and your entire family. Really, no one but Lizzie Bennet could put up with all of this and we’re not even sure how she did it.

10.      Any Guy from Game of Thrones

This is, perhaps, a controversial one. How can we possibly deem every single man in an entire television series (and book series, for that matter) to be completely undateable? Let us take the Stark men, for example. They’re noble men with a rugged air about them. They’re strong, will protect you, and are true to their word… most of the time. They have the best of intentions and will try to bring you happiness.

So what’s the problem?

Good luck keeping your Westeros man alive. Stark, Lannister, Tully, Snow… it doesn’t matter. Good luck keeping him alive. And yourself, for that matter.

Agree with us? Disagree? Sound off in the comments!

You May Also Like:

Fictional Boys We Want to Date (Who Would Make Awful Boyfriends)

Fictional Girls We Love (Who Would Make Terrible Girlfriends)

Pride, Prejudice, and Hipsters

Supernatural Drinking Game of Doom 

Author: Critique Geek

Writer and dreamer with a BA in Sarcasm. All-around nerd and lover of geeky things.

75 thoughts on “More Fictional Boys We Want to Date (Who Would Make Even Worse Boyfriends)

  1. At least there’s still hope for Neville & Raoul…
    The rest of my list is gone. :[ lol

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  3. I think the only one on my list that really got crushed was Mal Reynolds…and yeah i think i’d still go for that.

  4. Moral of these two lists: Psychopaths do not nice boyfriends make.

  5. I have one friend in particular with whom I have had long conversations about all the fictional men and women we love who are the reason smart girls fall into the trappings of abusive relationships. These lists are an excellent start, but you ladies haven’t even started to scratch the surface! ;D

    • I fear if our goal was in-depth, thoughtful discussion of why dating all these boys is not a good idea, we’d have to start a separate blog for it. Which, I suppose, would do nicely but is not our goal.

  6. and in the mangas! in hetalia: just any nation for obvious reasonsXD in death note: light and l both, any man in fullmetal achemist, dotdotdot in hinabn, and in the series dexter: dexter, his brother, and isaak sirko! oh isaak sirko you sexy beast!!! and about sexy beasts, in tbbt: all the guys^^

  7. I am gigglishy happy to see Spike on this list.

  8. Loved the Stark part….well Snow didn’t die did he???He’s still a total hottie and forget not to mention that he’s not immortal.

  9. Number 1 on each list are my #1 and #2 fictional crushes! Order depends on my mood. Sometimes Mal is #1, sometimes Sherlock is #1.

  10. If you got hold of Spike once his soul was returned, he’d be a good one. Sure, he’s a little crazy, and the First was pulling his strings, but he’s still be fine for a daily shag and cuppa.

    • plus as soon as the Firsts brainwashing is gone, his soul is safe, he’ll babysit your kids for you (see the potentials and Dawn), help out your friends, respects your job and lets you be in charge. And that on top of being the hottest guy in any Whedon show ever, and having an actual sense of humor. What’s not to love?

  11. You have killed all of my dreams… lol

  12. Rory Williams!! Although…he would make a fantastic boyfriend, nevermind.

  13. Angels themselves are “junkless” but the vessels aren’t…. there’s still some good lovin’ to get out of Castiel (for Dean, obviously, not for the fangirls) as long as he’s in Jimmy Novak’s bod right? Added bonus of not melting your eyeballs out of your skull.

  14. this so so amazing *.* Please, please, make a third part!! VOTE SAXON <3

  15. Really?! Really? Did you only watch Buffy, and not Angel? Did you only watch the first few seasos of Buffy? Angel has heaps of sex/orgasms with another vampire that tried to make him evil again(I think it was his maker. She played Rita in Dexter at any rate.)

    Also, Spike went all the way and got a SOUL for Buffy. Now that’s commitment. Who cares about the whole killing thing, he killed MUlTIPUL slayers. He’s a bad ass. And he’s a great singer.

    They’re both vampire, of course they’re going to kill people!

    /rage

    • I am so very sorry that a past history of violence and homicidal tendencies are a deal-breaker for me, but I suppose we can’t ALL have standards. Would you like a cookie?

      PS: I started watching Angel first.

  16. I’m not all that attracted to the Master, personally, but I think that he would make for an aggressive, but exciting, lay. And you know why? Four words: The sound of drums. Think about it. ;)

  17. MMmmmm…. such delicious, delicious bad boyfriends. I want to (not really) date them all! It would be so boring to watch nice boyfriends on my TV shows. Give me Loki and Spike and Mal any day. On TV, that is. Not actually in my house killing people.

  18. Andrew Scott’s Moriarty and The Master are not ones that have ever made my “want to date” list, but as someone with an inexplicable passion for Severus Snape, I can’t judge!

    What you say about Darcy is so freaking true! People think I’m weird when I say I would take Bingley (or Colonel Brandon! I have an Alan Rickman obsession okay?) over him any day. But seriously…his personality and behaviour do not ever become tolerable enough to tempt me!

    A few of my fictional loves are left unspoiled after your posts thank goodness-Gilbert Blythe being the my favourite as well as Merlin/Colin Morgan and Chuck Bartowski :) And also Zachary Quinto’s version of Spock (though he should probably be on this list too).

    P.S. I have to say, after the reference at the end of the Doctor section, I have the sudden urge to go get me a cold pop! I def lol’ed… OH LORD JESUS IT’S A FAHR!

  19. There are a few others I could think of, such as Bruce Wayne or Wolverine…. well, at least you have somewhere to start if you make a part 3.

  20. I love this. Funny, and true. Any more fictional boys?

  21. Thank you someone for finally calling out mr darcy for the ass he really is!!!

  22. Ah, and there’s Cas too. Though to be fair, I never really wanted to date Cas. I want Cas to date Dean. (And then let me watch, y/n?)

    I love all of this – and can I thank you a little bit extra for all the Mean Girls references? I totally read Angel’s last part with Couch Carr’s voiceXDDD

    • Basically, Cassie bb would be a GREAT boyfriend, if a bit unorthodox in his approach… but only for Dean.

      For the sake of succinctness, we didn’t even go into the whole “this isn’t really his body, his real self is as tall as the Chrysler building, and looking at him without him wearing a body will BURN YOUR EYES OUT” bit, because… well, it was either that or the gif, and we pick the gif every time.

  23. Love the Sam one. “EVERYTHING HE TOUCHES DIES”
    Truth!

  24. Oh my sweet Cas – glad to see he made the list. While Castiel is junkless, his vessel Jimmy isn’t, and Cas has shown an ability to pick up useful skills from porn – just ask Meg. But, alas, as you pointed out, I’m not Dean Winchester, so my chances with Cas are pretty much nil. Thanks for including my two favorite tv vamps and Captain Mal. Speaking of Firefly – Jayne would probably be good for a tumble or two – but definitely NOT boyfriend material.

  25. NOOOO! I was almost to the end and was thinking “Yes, The Doctor is safe!” But no, you killed my love… :(

  26. I thought for sure that my embarrassing murderous vampy crush would have shown up on this list! He may be safe, but he’s probably the worst choice out there. -whatiswrongwithmeidonteven -
    Ah but Spike totally made up for that!
    Man I was so in love with him when I was 17…

  27. I didn’t recognize the caracters.. except from Moriarty, who I wouldn’t want to date anyway..
    can you do another one? I really like how you do it..
    and can you put more characters from Harry potter? and Lord of the Rings? and Castle(if you know it.. the lead actor is Nathan Filion, the one that plays Mal Reynolds)?

  28. You took EVERYONE.
    Even Darcy…c’mon!
    At least I still have anime *looks shiftily*

  29. You forgot that Mal is also technically married to Yo-Saff-Bridge!

  30. Glad to see that Daryl Dixon and Rick Grimes would still be considered datable! Zombie ear necklaces wearing squirrel eater, and kills affair guy, but still hates wife until she is dead. Then he gets phone calls from her along with the visuals.

  31. I enjoyed this article (and its counterparts) however I would have liked for you to point out reasons they’d make a terrible boyfriend OUTSIDE of their canon (or rather not) romantic relationships. I mean OBVIOUSLY Cas is out of the lineup because of his love for Dean but you definitely could have gone on and on about his other negative-boyfriend traits without mentioning that.

    • Poor Cas! I don’t know where you’d start. Beyond, “If he does show interest in you, you’re going to die,” (ask poor Meg), you also have, “He kills/is made to kill everyone he loves” (ask most of the angels), personality confusion (if you meet him on the wrong day, he will be playing Twister and jumping on cars naked, or God, or a Leviathan, or a drug addict who asks you to have orgies with him), and then there’s “He’s going to die, a lot.” Imagine the funeral bills, and your sense of shame when he comes back after death #4 and you almost have to fight not to roll your eyes. And then there’s that woman he ‘married’ who found him naked in the woods, and he never mentioned her again after leaving with Dean. I’m sure she would be writing a very, very long list telling people to stay away.

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  33. Gabriel from Supernatural should also totally be on the list!!!

    • Gabriel is a wonderful, complex character that I absolutely adore, but… he was only in four episodes! That is not nearly enough time to deduce a character.

      Nope.jpg

  34. Oh! And Rumplestiltskin from Once Upon a Time, he should be on the list too! …Actually ALL of the guys on that show really… Jefferson, August, Neal, Hook, David, Graham…wow, they would all suck as boyfriends…
    In fact, the only guy one the entire show who would make a good boyfriend is Archie, aka Jimminy Cricket…huh

  35. Yes, found Castiel’s article too.

    Honey, as long as he canonically dates Dean Winchester, I shall not shed a tear but watch along the thousands of fans that wish for their love to be finally expressed. We are not in it only for the porn, people!

    Destiel is the pairing of the new millennia.

    Now, Misha on the other hand…

    Thank you for the great article. :)

  36. Noooooooooooo, I thought Jimmy was safe ;_; first Loki, now this </3
    *rocks back and forth, covering my ears, and protecting my fangirl dreams from common sense and reason*
    Love these posts though XD

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  38. I also say Merlin and Bruce Banner

  39. You guys left out Crowley! Do another list like this please? Pretty pretty please with blueberry pie and other yummy deliciousness on it?

    *does sad puppy eyes*

  40. Extremely surprised not to see Dexter on either list. Not sure if that’s a good or bad thing :)

    • we didn’t think you needed MORE reasons as to why you shouldn’t date serial killers? ^^;

      • hahaha sometimes i need more sense talked into me… he’s just so beautiful!

        • and honestly, as long as you aren’t killing innocent people, he’s not that bad a boyfriend. Just look at how he treated Rita. He was a great stepfather to her children, cared about her feelings, listened to her, supported her in her career choices…
          Sure he faked most of his feelings, but then again, aside of the one time after she broke up with him first, he was faithful to her and was a reliable partner.

    • Ummm…I think the whole serial killer thing was a bit too obvious. Just sayin.

  41. Mal: Don’t exactly have to let the world know you’re associated with this man, even if you are sleeping with him :P Therefore you are free to bounce around main planets as much as you like. Just leave him at home.

    Moriarty: Not really the guy he seems to be. Controlled by a reporter with an ego as big as Big Ben this man is useless. Just an actor. Nothing special. Hump him all you want. He’s just doing it for the money.

    I’ll take Daryl Dixon over any of these doods any day.

  42. What about Anakin Skywalker? And he would be bad because he is too obsessive.

  43. Nico di angelo is mine. Sorry. He is my type

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