Fictional Boys We Want to Date (Who Would Make Awful Boyfriends)

February 4, 2013 by Freak Geek | 160 Comments

Valentine’s Day is coming up, and it’s time to think about to whom you’re going to profess your undying love. As dedicated fanboys and fangirls, we all have a few characters we are at least a little bit in love with. Or a lot in love with. Or obsessed with. You know, that kind of thing. True love won’t be stopped by the constraints of reality, after all – you are absolutely certain that Dean Winchester is the man for you. Great, but we here at 3 Chic Geeks have extensively gone through every one of our fictional crushes and picked apart all the reasons why they would NOT be good boyfriends. Read on to find out what we think would be the dealbreakers for each of the characters!!

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1. Sherlock Holmes

He’s tall, dark, handsome and British. He has impeccable taste and the voice of an angel. His eyes are like doorways to an alien galaxy. He’s a brilliant detective with a brain made for sexy, sexy deducing. Occasionally, he’s also a consulting dragon.

So what’s the problem?

Well… there are many. For one, Sherlock Holmes is a jackass. He has no patience for anyone he deems to be irreparably stupid – which, spoiler alert, is about 99% of the population of the universe. He will forget your anniversary, because it’s dull and it takes up too much space in his mind palace – space which he can use for storing more important things (like which brand of jam John likes best). If you enjoy having nice, long dates, forget about them now because half the time, Sherlock Holmes will be too busy for any of your dating nonsense – he will be off chasing a criminal through the streets of London, John Watson by his side. There will be severed heads in your refrigerator, violin screeching at five in the morning and any free time Sherlock has will be spent in the morgue or following John around empty warehouses. Of course, he might just be dating you for a case, and he will dump you when you’ve given him the information he wanted. About the only chance you have of having a fulfilling relationship with Sherlock Holmes is if your name is Doctor John Watson. Good luck.

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2. Legolas Greenleaf of Mirkwood

Beautiful, blonde, immortal, sassy and possessing a great head of hair, Legolas was a first crush for many girls who read Lord of the Rings in their youth (Freak Geek and Critique Geek being among them). Him being played by Orlando “Puppy Eyes” Bloom in the films didn’t help matters at all; after all, Orlando in a wig is bloody hot. He’s brave and he’s willing to put his hatred of another species aside in order to defeat a great evil and perhaps befriend members of aforementioned hated species along the way. Like, if Middle Earth had social justice bloggers (or Tumblr, for that matter), Legolas would TOTALLY be on that.

So what’s the problem?

Sorry to break it to you ladies, but Legolas probably bats for the other team – think about it, his “profound bond” with Gimli is a jar of glitter away from full-on gay. In the movies, his friendship with Aragorn takes on a homoerotic sort of air, to the point where some people who had not seen the movies but saw gifs on Tumblr assumed that Aragorn marries Legolas in the end. Also, do you really want to date a guy who will live for eternity, whereas you will die within the course of a century? Didn’t think so.

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3. Loki Odinson Laufeyson

How can I even begin to describe Loki Laufeyson? He’s flawless. His hair is insured for ten thousand Arabian stallions. He does horse commercials… in Nilfhelm. His favorite movie is Lilo & Stitch. One time, he met the Black Widow on a helicarrier, and she told him “Thank you for your cooperation”. And hey, one time, he threw Iron Man out of a window… it was awesome.

So what’s the problem?

Okay, girlfriend, let me break it down for ya… Loki is a narcissistic megalomaniac. He’s a frost giant who was raised knowing that frost giants are evil, so of course he has enough self-hatred stored within his heart to possibly beat out Dean Winchester in a self-loathing contest. He is the god of chaos, mischief and fire; do I really have to tell you this would end only in tears? Loki wants to rule the universe, and thinks everyone should kneel for him. He would murder you for shits and giggles. There have been reports of his secretly also being an escaped archangel on the lam, but those have yet to be confirmed.

Historically speaking, Loki has been reported to have an insatiable sexual appetite, mating with rocks, trees, horses, giants, walls, and whatnot – he’s like a cosmic demigod Jack Harkness. Be honest with yourself – do you REALLY want to come home to find him mating with a Shetland pony in your bedroom? And do you REALLY want to deal with being a stepparent to a giant ferocious wolf, a snake big enough to curve around the planet, a half-dead girl who rules hell and an eight-legged horse? Is his hair really worth it?

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4. Captain Jack Sparrow

Dreadlocks, pirate, played by Johnny Depp, incredibly sassy… what could possibly be wrong with him? Jack Sparrow is lovely. He’s a classy sort of pirate. He has style. If Hell’s Angels were pirates, Jack Sparrow would be their leader.

So what’s the problem?

Well, okay, how about the part that he’s liable to leave you stranded on a tropical island, being chased by an army of cannibalistic natives? Or the part where he will steal ALL of your eyeliner? Yeah, not cute. There’s also the fact that as a pirate, his bathing habits are probably spotty at the very least. Oh, and bid adieu to all your rum, because it will be gone very quickly.

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5. Doctor John Watson

He’s cute as a hedgehog, sweet and charming, a ladies’ man. He has those cute red briefs; he has those sexy doctor skills. He’s silly and he’s deep at times. He can romance the best out of anyone, and he’s not called Three-Continents Watson for nothing.

So what’s the problem?

John Watson has a dark side. That dark side is hidden well when you first meet him, but you only need to open the door to the fridge in the kitchen of 221B to find it. To start with, don’t expect to date John for very long; Sherlock Holmes will do his best to get rid of you as soon as possible, because chances are, he thinks you’re an idiot. Being kidnapped while on date is par for the course; I hope you brought your Mace. Dates are an iffy business, as they may come to an abrupt and unexpected end (or be canceled entirely) for any of the following reasons:

murder
arson
burglary
chasing after criminals
shootouts
attempted murder
Mycroft
Sherlock being drugged
Sherlock being on drugs
Sherlock possibly being on drugs
Sherlock having secretly had himself and John married

John Watson is so far in the closet that he’s bypassed Narnia entirely and ended up in Middle-Earth. Of course, there is one exception… Canonically, John Watson has been noted to be a great boyfriend… to Sherlock Holmes.

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6. Draco Malfoy

The Hair of Slytherin has it tough; his fangirls are so numerous that if he commanded them to kneel, Loki would probably be very jealous. Blonde and arrogant, he swaggered into our lives and pissed us off while being totally cute. Let’s face it, he’s a typical bad boy, and there are about a million girls ready to volunteer themselves at “redeeming” him on a moment’s notice. Oh, and he’s filthy rich and grew up in a fabulous mansion in Wiltshire.

So what’s the problem?

Aside from the part where he is a ferret, you mean? Well, you’re always going to come in second to his hair. He ain’t the Hair of Slytherin for nothing, honey. Possibly, you’ll come in third if Saint Potter, saviour of Mudbloods is on the scene. While his family is filthy rich and practically aristocracy, you have to keep in mind that he comes from a “dark” family. I bet you he was practicing the Unforgivables on hedgehogs by the time he was five years old. The Malfoys are blood purists, the wizarding world version of the KKK – so not fetch. And if Drakey-poo dared to date a mudblood, Luscious Malfoy would probably have said mudblood killed off in secret. Keep the bloodlines pure and all that, marry a half-blood at the very least.

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7. Severus Snape

Always. Always. Always turn to page 394. Severus Snape slid onto the scene and stole our hearts with a few well-spoken lines and a deep voice made for reciting Shakespearean poetry. He can brew glory and put a stopper on death – and he knows what a bezoar is. Sexy.

So what’s the problem?

Well… you know that sulky goth kid back in high school who sits in the back of the classroom, staring longingly at the pretty and popular girl, then after graduation joins a black metal band in an effort to become a “famous” rock star and “show” all those people that he has worth and isn’t just some slimy, pathetic wimp? And then he spends the next ten years singing to the Hot Topic tweens about the one girl he was in love with back in high school but never had a chance with? ~~(Which, incidentally, is the whole plot of Avril Lavigne’s Scater Boi).~~ Yeah, um… Severus Snape is like the wizarding world equivalent of this guy – except instead of joining a metal band, he joined a racist terrorist organization hell-bent on world domination. Not to mention that joining the Death Eaters when you’re a half blood practically screams “self-hatred”. He then goes on to spend the next seventeen years of his life as a teacher in the school he once loved and loathed simultaneously, sucking up to the children of Death Eaters, picking on Saint Potter and Longbottom while secretly working towards protecting the popular girl’s son from his ~~old bandmate~~ evil villain boss. He’s got things to do ~~like kill Dumbledore~~ and if he has to, he’ll kill you to keep his cover from being blown. Oh, and he’s still in love with Lily Evans. NBD.

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8. Dean Winchester

Disney princess eyes, check. Sexy car, check. Lips made for sin, check. Not good at the whole “resisting temptation” thing, check. He can shoot, he can fight, he can protect himself against almost any sort of supernatural ghoulie or beastie… and he knows all the best classic rock songs. Not to mention the whole mechanic’s hands thing.

So what’s the problem?

Well, first off, we’d be surprised if you managed to land a relationship with him and not a one night stand to begin with, seeing as the boy’s so far in the closet he’s probably found Narnia by now. He’s been to hell and back, literally. He’s basically a professional serial killer. His relationship with his brother is… unhealthy to say the least. He probably loves his car more than he could ever love you. Not to mention, you’re probably nothing more than a plot device, and are going to die a gruesome and painful death before the season’s over. Oh, and he’s in love with a confused angel who wears trench coat, and, you know, gripped him tight and raised him from perdition that one time, no big deal.

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9. Captain Jack Harkness

He’s got more confidence than most people, and he’s comfortable with his sexuality to the point where he’s estimated to be the only man capable of getting some sexy human on weeping angel action going. Blowjobs? He probably invented them. He’s traveled through time and space, and seen some freaky things while he was there. Oh, and he can’t die.

So what’s the problem?

Let’s start with the obvious… he can’t die. You will probably live for a century or so, and then die, sleep, perchance dream. Jack Harkness cannot die… it is the blessing and the curse bestowed upon him by the Bad Wolf. He’s a cosmic space-time whore with a chip on his shoulder and the ability to go anywhere in the universe at all should he choose to. Oh, and eventually, (SPOILER ALERT!) his body will be parted from his head and…well, let’s just say, the first time we meet Jack Harkness isn’t in Episode 9 of the first season of the Ninth Doctor… it’s in Episode 2. That’s right, ladies and gentlemen… (SERIOUSLY SPOILERS AHEAD) Jack Harkness is the Face of Boe. And yes, in the universe of Doctor Who, mpreg is canon. And Jack’s been pregnant AT LEAST twice ~~that we know of~~. Feel free to be freak out now.

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10. Sam Winchester

Aw, look at that sexy moose, with his floppy hair and puppy eyes and the big brains. I mean, he was a law school student at one point, we know he’s bloody smart. He’s sassy as hell, too.

So what’s the problem?

EVERYTHING SAM TOUCHES DIES. If you sleep with Sam Winchester, you will DIE in the same episode. We are not even kidding. Like, it’s not even funny, you’re doomed the moment he smiles at you. Oh, have we mentioned that one time he had Lucifer waltzing around in his head for a while? THE Lucifer? Yeah, totally not sexy, unless you’re into that sort of thing, in which case we totally are judging you right now. Let’s also factor in that his job is professional serial killer, and that he’s probably just a little bit of a seriously attractive sociopath. And then there’s the rage he keeps locked away in his chest – let’s face it, it’s a good thing his name isn’t Bruce Banner, because if it was, we’d all be doomed. His incredibly codependent relationship with Dean (not even in the gay way) would probably stand in the way of a real relationship, but it’s not even a real concern – you will die a gruesome death before it can become an issue. No, seriously, everything Sam touches dies – and that’s the main point.

Feel free to leave us input on who you think should make the Terrible Girlfriends list on Facebook or Twitter!

Freak Geek would like to dedicate this post to her absolute favorite of all time band that you’ve probably never heard of, DuelJewel. Thank you for many years of beautiful music, and happy return to Hayato. Much love!! Lapidary forever! ♥♫♪

Author: Freak Geek

I love candlelight dinners, long walks on the beach and killing demons. Usually you can find me at rock concerts. 90% of redditors believe me to be male. I'm pretty sure I'm Loki.